I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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