Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
