I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
