My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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