I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
