So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
