Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
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At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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