I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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