I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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