rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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