Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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