I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
