im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
