I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
