i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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