I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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