Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
