worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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