we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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