Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
