isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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