I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
