u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
