we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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