We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
