I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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