Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
