did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
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Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
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some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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