who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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