I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
