She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
