Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
