Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
