The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
