I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
