this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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