Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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