i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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