i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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