I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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