This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My vagina is very pro this idea
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
