All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
