My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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