i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
