At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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