Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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