I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
