And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
