we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
COCAINE IS GR8
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
