So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
