kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
