I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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