Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
