I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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