Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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