Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
