I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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