i think my tv is drunk
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
