he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
