my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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