Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
