somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
